The day I 'became' a mother was on my birthday in 2014. I had went to the restroom
'knowing' today I was going to read a pregnancy test that would confirm the feeling I had. With hands shaking I began to take out a thank you note to give to my husband after I read the test. All I could write was a shaky "Thank you for being a Dadieeee!" I was so overwhelmingly excited with so many thoughts racing through my mind and a hard pounding heart, I gave him the card with tears welling up in my eyes.
July 3rd, marks the birth of my sweet daughter Poetica AND the birth of my BFF's baby girl, Petra, just one short year ahead! It's all the cliches you may expect from 'never knowing I could love someone this deep' to 'she's teaching me so much about my purpose here on earth'. If you've read my birth story, you know, I truly never knew I would love being a mother this much!
As I navigate motherhood, marriage, relationships and life as a creative entrepreneur I am often thinking about how short our time is here on earth. Life as an artist was almost all consuming when I was in the thick of it. Marriage taught me how to die to my selfishness and become a better servant. Motherhood is literally the pouring of out your life into every breath for the sake of salvation into a tiny heart, mind and soul. It is one of the masterpieces of one's life if ever there was one.
I tremble forward cautiously with the lessons I have learned from the moment I accepted the Lord back into my life just 10 short years ago. I look back at a person I hardly recognize and yet so painstakingly realize the utter destructive choices I've made. Thankfully I have been able to learn so much about relationships through various counselors. And so, I am taking the good and passing it on, God is doing a new thing.
This precious life Poetica reminds me daily just how un-deserving I am to His grace, His blessings, my husband, my child....how much He loves us and how costly the sacrifice He's made for us to stay connected into eternity.
I have soaked up all I possibly could each day I have been able to spend with Poetica. Breathing her in, watching her laugh, hearing her distinct hunger cry, amazed by each new thing she does knowing her tininess won't last... All this amazing bliss grounded by the reality that she doesn't belong to me and one day I will give an account for her life.
So today as every day I pray for her future...over her mind, spirit, body and soul....over her friends, future husband and the life she walks in complete dependence on her Maker. I pray for you readers, everything you do say and think in the world she lives in. I pray for your heart to know the love and fullness of Christ.
Poetica's Birthday Celebration Memoirs
Dear friends we consider family gathered with us in the mountains of California to
celebrate Poetica and her star sister's (Petra's) birthday, which so happens to be on the very SAME day only one year apart!
We breathed in fresh air from the mountains wrapped in the mornings coziest pajamas and blankets by the campfire for breakfast. She played for hours in the sandy dirt shore on the lake, smiled her best giggles, danced to my humming of Bossa Nova, and
watched the fireworks glisten on the lake as the loud music played from our neighbors boats. As we cuddled closer in the camping chair, she backed up looked into my eyes and gave me 16 kisses. With each one I melted quickly into a puddle of love sharing with
God this precious moment. And as the night came to a close as I rocked her in my arms watching her eyes gazed up into the stars in wonderment. Now in a pouch wrapped around my waist, we swayed and hummed her favorite songs and she fell fast asleep on my chest.
This was the day she turned one, only a several days after her very first steps into childhood.
To put it simply, words can not express the depths of our love for Poetica. I am complicatedly filled with gratitude and love beyond anything I could imagine and everyday it gets better.
We aren't promised tomorrow so live for eternity now, in the moment, its all because of His grace!